Losing My Religion

In the beginning, everything sucked. People had no time to honour each other. Most people spent their lives in service of a god called Money. Money was a bitch. He led everyone to believe if they worked hard, he would compensate them. But that was not true. Many people worked too hard and all their relationships broke down. Even people who were favoured by Money felt unloved. They were not blessed. Often, they were broken too. More often than not, Money made people do hideous things to each other in order to be closer to Him.

While everyone was watching their relationship with Money, another god Truth was crying out for their attention. Truth was a wonderful but depressing god. She always told stories of humans in concentration camps, genocide, human trafficking and pedophilia. Eventually, everyone stopped listening to Truth, because they couldn’t bear to hear her sorrowful tales anymore.

Instead, everyone began to embrace the god Bubble. Bubble shielded everyone from Truth and allowed people to nestle comfortably into the armpit of Money. When truth knocked at the door, Bubble would reply, ‘What do you want this poor person to do? They are but one human. You need an army. Go away now. We are watching Netflix so we don’t have to think about our impotence.”

One day, one human said to another, ‘I hate this. China is torturing the Uighurs. Myanmar is genociding the Rohingyas. Besides, I’m a decent person, and I hate working for immoral corporate chiefs. We must do something.’

‘But people die all the time,’ she said to him. ‘We cannot end death, and we wouldn’t want to. This world has too many people as it is.’

‘But surely, you, me and Buddha can agree that we all want the end of suffering.’

‘I’m am not seeking enlightenment by taming my animal instincts. I am seeking a decent standard of welfare for all people.’

‘Does that mean you would like to have sex and not be shamed for it?’

‘Yes, but not with you.’

‘Is there a religion that doesn’t shame people for their intrinsic sexuality?’

‘There was one. It was called Tantric Buddhism. I think it was kinda misogynistic though.’

‘Is there a religion that isn’t misogynistic?’


So long as it harms none, do as thou will.’

‘That sounds good.’

‘That’s the Wiccan statement of morality.’

‘The issue for me with that is that you can’t do a single thing today without harming someone. Wearing a shirt? Harmful. Slowly killing yourself with cigarettes and alcohol? Harmful.’

‘Shall we create something new?’

‘A religion for the two of us? I’m not sure that constitutes a religion.’

‘Where’s the harm in trying?’

‘What should we call it?’

‘Novus Societatus.’

‘That sounds good.’

‘What else do we believe in besides communicative sex?’

‘Food. I believe in eating good food.’

‘What is good food? Veganism?’

‘Yes! Maybe that’s it. And no gluten. Gluten was made by Satan.’

‘I hear soy is bad as well.’


‘And peanuts kill people!’

‘No peanuts!’

‘So we believe in communicative sex, decent food, what else?’


‘Yes! Water is essential, but not just any water. Not that chlorinated tap water. Mineralised mountain water.’

‘Yeah, I hear that’s like super good for you.’

‘Alkalinity is essential.’

‘What about yoga? Do we believe in yoga?’

‘How about flexibility of mind, body and spirit?’


‘Anything else?’

‘Surely, love and honesty should be in here somewhere.’

‘Love? It’s so trite. Love thy neighbour as thyself. I’ve heard that somewhere before.’

‘Yeah, I just can’t afford to have too many neighbours if I abide by that rule.’

‘I think what you’re saying is community is important.’

‘Yeah, but not tribalism. Tribalism is bad.’

‘What if we believe in dualities? Like, what if we aspire to get everyone outside of black and white thinking, seeing the shades of grey?’

‘50 Shades?’

‘Perfect. Do we believe in the enlightening power of literary puns?’

‘Yes! And maybe we believe that we can have more than one holy book. Maybe instead of one holy book, all books are holy.’

‘Whoa. That’s deep.’

‘Because the stories we tell ourselves are capable of changing the world and our perception of it!’

‘This is good. I’m liking this. Reading/learning as a path to enlightenment... but can we also worship technology? Like have you seen the new Samsung Fold? It’s so sexy.’

‘Okay, so we believe in sex, food, water, caring, learning and technology?’

‘What if we embrace technology as a form of evolution? Then we can fit some Darwin in.’

‘That’s hot. Also, I prefer if we refer to the technology as evolutionary and empowering. Empowering others sounds like something good.’

‘Positivity in general.’

‘Yeah, like, trolling sucks.’

‘You’re totally going to get trolled for that.’

‘I don’t care.’

‘Trolling does make some people laugh.’

‘Stop trying to see the nuance on bad stuff!’

‘I think you just made me the High Priestess because you forgot the principle of 50 Shades.’

‘Oh shucks, I totally did. You go girl.’